As One Being Taught

I am an extremely habitual person. There are countless things that I always do, often without thinking, simply because I always do them.

Some tendencies are innocuous, like sitting on the same side of the Bro-Sis table at each meal. Some are beneficial; for example, using the same shower in our community bathroom makes me feel more at home. Some are just plain silly, such as always putting certain foods (like potatoes) in certain spots on my plate (bottom left).

But some habits are harmful.

When I’m in class and my professor is halfway to the “Amen” before I’ve consciously realized we’re praying (though my head is bowed with eyes closed and hands folded anyway) something is wrong.

When I’m studying for a theology quiz and the notes in my own handwriting don’t look familiar in the slightest, there is a problem.

And I’m beginning to get concerned about the pattern that has been emerging in my mornings lately. The one involving an epic struggle to stay awake and alert until after my first class and chapel, at which point I collapse for an hour-long nap and wake up just in time to go to lunch.

So I’m resolving to change some of my habits.

First of all, prayer should not be a mindless routine. Actually, I believe that the root of these concerns is a deficiency in my prayer life. Praying consistently and wholeheartedly is something that I have always had a hard time with, but especially lately.

In light of this, I’ve decided to make prayer a focus. Just recognizing that I need to work on prayer is not enough, though. I need practical goals to help make sure that I am progressing.

So here it is: After chapel, instead of going for a nap, at least three times a week (Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays is the plan) I will shut myself in the Houghton 1 prayer room or somewhere else private. I will set my phone alarm for thirty minutes and I will not leave until that alarm goes off. Maybe I won’t be able to focus the whole time, but I will stay there. And I’m telling people about it (my roommates, my friends, whoever’s reading this) to ensure that I actually do it.

So ask me how it’s going sometime, and slap me if I make excuses (figuratively, please).

As for the rest of it:

“The Sovereign LORD has given me an instructed tongue,

to know the word that sustains the weary.

He wakens me morning by morning,

wakens my ear to listen like one being taught.”

--Isaiah 50:4

I will rely on God to help me not just to wake up every day but to thrive, to really live that day.

And not just to listen.

Now there is an interesting concept. Not just “to listen”, but “to listen like one being taught”. When my notes are unrecognizable and every effort is focused on staying awake, I am certainly not listening like one being taught. I might be listening well enough to write down what I need, but no further.

To listen as one being taught I must be engaged, fascinated, receptive. And I should be. After all, what I am learning is of the utmost importance and interest to me. But I’m weak, and I’m flawed, so I have to rely on His aid.

I’m changing my habits… but I can’t do it alone.

Of Life Homogeneous and Laughter-Filled

I am so thankful for laughter.

Today I couldn’t remember what I did last year on Halloween, and it was bothering me, so I opened my old journal to figure it out. As I flipped through the pages on which the days of last fall were recorded, some entries caught my eye.

On October 27, 2009, I wrote, “I miss laughing. I feel like I barely remember how to laugh, laugh for real, from inside. I can’t stand this.” I remember telling a friend around that time, “Lately whenever I laugh, it’s because I think I should be laughing… but I don’t actually feel like it, and it’s just on the surface, not deep like laughter should be.”

This time last year, I was feeling “uprooted,

confused,

contradicting,

distracted,

off… desperate for affirmation,

friendship,

closure,

certainty.”

“Nothing, or not much, is really that bad right now, but this crazy detached sporadic feeling I’ve got is making me insane!!!”

Life didn’t feel like a continuation anymore, but rather a series of disassociated 24-hour periods having no succession or predictability. Things in my life were amazing one day and horrid the next, and it was all out of my control.

But now, a year later…

A day doesn’t go by without good, hearty laughter—or without thoughtful, intelligent conversations. Life is unpredictable, to be sure, but not in the disconcerting roller-coaster way of my senior year. There is a flow. In the words of Lucy Maude Montgomery,

Then, suddenly, everything seemed to fall into focus—[Moody], professors, classes, students, studies, social doings. Life became homogeneous again, instead of being made up of detached fragments.”

Now I’m feeling at home

content

stable

focused (mostly)

happy… in possession of affirmation

friendship

peace

faith.

Do I have closure? Not on everything I wanted to, no. But the lack of it doesn’t gnaw at me like it used to.

Do I have certainty? Absolutely not. Most things right now are uncertain (though I do revel in the structure of college life). But that’s okay. God will lead me as He will, and I trust it’ll be a good way. And anyhow, the uncertainty I was referring to in my journal was not the uncertainty of future. It was the uncertainty of relationships and knowing where I stood with people, as well as the uncertainty of making the right college choice. As for college, I am most incontestably in the right place, and for the most part I know where I stand with people.

It is far too easy sometimes to forget to thank God for where He’s brought us. That’s one reason that I journal. So that on days like today, I can remember how I was feeling not so long ago and see how God has worked in my life to change things. I can remember the days I was hopeless, and see how things worked out- for good. I can remember the prayers I prayed and sometimes see the answers.

And I can remember just how much a simple thing like genuinely laughing can mean to me.

Last Halloween (and I can’t believe that I forgot, but the mind does funny things on sleep-deprived Fridays) I spent the evening with good friends… and here’s the best part: “I laughed so much tonight, from deep inside. I needed that so badly.”

Thank You, Lord, for creating laughter… and for allowing it to be part of my daily life right now.

Something Bigger- Whispers in the Stairwell

Smiling, I said goodbye to the girls I’d gone to Jewel with. The door to the West hall clicked closed and Houghton 2 fell silent- almost. A girl sat at the piano on the opposite side of the room, next to the door to the stairs. As I walked closer I saw what she was playing- “God of This City” by Chris Tomlin. When she heard my footsteps, she turned her head and I smiled at her before slipping into the North staircase. Laden with a grocery bag full of ingredients for pumpkin muffins, I walked slowly up to the third floor where I live. But something made me pause as I reached the landing.

In that tiled, echoing staircase, piano and voice were rising from Houghton 2. “Greater things are yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city…” And suddenly there rose in my mind a single thought, almost as clear as if someone had whispered it to me: Something bigger than myself. I am part of something bigger than myself.

I turned, looking back at the stairs I had just climbed. A streetlight shone through the frosted window.

Something bigger than myself.

That moment, the world seemed to stop as I was overwhelmed by God’s presence.

Be still, He said. Be still and know Who I am. I am God, and I will be exalted in all the earth, and you’re going to help me.

That’s what I was going to blog about tonight. How the last half of that verse is usually left out. The part that says, “I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.” The part that gives the rest meaning. But I guess I didn’t know enough about that verse yet. God showed me a new side this time. This time “be still” meant “Megan, stop getting so wrapped up in your own life, just stop for a second and see My reality. I AM GOD. You are part of My body. I have put you in this place. Just stop and think about that.”

Outside, the band warming up for Thursday Night Praise drowned out the piano from downstairs. The sound swelled, an accompaniment for what was happening in my soul.

Something bigger than myself.

In the last post I talked about preparing diligently for my future ministry, about having focus and direction. Well, it’s time to think about today. There are greater things yet to be done in Chicago. God has put me here. This is my mission field.

Something bigger.

As the music outside faded and the piano again became audible, I dropped my bag and sank to the floor in prayer- the most real prayer I’ve experienced in a long time. And it wasn’t about me. Not at all.

Bigger than myself.

It was only a minute before the spell was broken by someone rushing down the staircase to get somewhere. But that minute shifted the way I think in a way I don’t think I fully see yet, and encouraged me in a way I cannot put into words.

Don’t ever think that God doesn’t speak to people anymore. He whispers to college students in stairwells on Thursday evenings. And when He whispers, you pay attention.

Beyond Complacency

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push us into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.

This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.

Sir Francis Drake, 1557, before departing from Portsmouth, England, to circumnavigate the globe.

This poem made me think. About a lot of things. But mostly about being here at Moody.

Moody is what I’ve been working towards for the past two years. For much longer, really, when you consider that in public school they start pushing college-readiness when you’re quite young. I carefully chose classes and activities, pushed myself to get the GPA and the SAT scores, took Advanced Placement tests, joined National Honor Society, kept track of service projects, and read classic literature.

And now, here I am. I am in college, the college of my choice. What now? Do I just breathe a sigh of relief and become complacent, my goals achieved and nothing more to work for?

I need a new goal, a new thirst, a new drive. It doesn’t have to be something related to my own success. In fact, it probably shouldn’t be. Instead, while I’m here at Moody I need to remember that my future ministry (whatever it will be) is as worth preparing for while I’m here as university was while I was in high school.

I think I’ll print out this poem, and hang it somewhere I’ll see it often.

Experiencing Life (an alternative to the American Dream)

Originally written and posted by World Racer Keturah Weathers on 12/24/2009
www.theworldrace.org

I'm beginning to see that I've been selling myself short. I want to live more. I want to live better. I want to learn to be everything God created me to be, not just some of it. I think this is a good first step. People seem to think that following God is equivalent to sacrificing your personality. They think Christianity means living inside a set of rules that doesn't allow you to be yourself. It's just the opposite! C.S. Lewis puts it nicely, "The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become -- because he made us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be...It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own."

I'm so thankful that I've been set free from the things that I used to be so wrapped up in: the values America teaches us to be concerned with: success, stability, safety. Let's all work 5 days a week so that we can not only put food on the table and clothes on our backs, but money in the bank to buy nice things and entertain ourselves. Since when does entertainment buy happiness? We are taught to spend so much of our time working, checking things off on to-do lists, and creating a nice, comfy safety-net for ourselves. But is that all there is to life? Maybe it is for some people, but not for me.

Get me out of the 9-to-5, I want to experience life. I want to do bigger things. I want to change the world, and I want to be changed. It's not a dream too big for reality, and I will put no limitations on myself, because I am a child of God.

When I read this blog post about eight months ago, something clicked. This was how I had been feeling for nearly two years. This was the concept I had been trying in vain to put into words. This was why I wanted to come to Moody, to go into ministry, to rearrange my priorities.

What do you think? How does this apply to God's calling for you? How do you know when the calling is from him and when the "wisdom" of the world gets in the way?

Wearing Clothes

The act of wearing clothing, modest clothing, is many things. It is, of course, a way to honor and assist our brothers in Christ. It is a form of self-respect. It creates feminine mystique, which can be captivating. But tonight the women of Moody Bible Institute were introduced to the concept of clothing as an acknowledgement of our fallen nature. The following is a late-night, rambling reflection on some points made by the speakers at tonight’s all hall meeting.

Adam and Eve were not created to wear clothes. They had complete unity with each other and with God in the Garden before the fall of mankind into sin. After the fall, as well as the corruption of masculinity and femininity and the curses that come along with sin, there was this consequence: shame. They could no longer walk with God there, and they had to be clothed in animal skins.

By wearing clothes and being completely unexposed, we are accepting that we with our sinful nature are not worthy of that original unity. Not with God, and not with each other. (Of course, when Christ covers our sins the gap is bridged between ourselves and the Lord, but you get the idea.) I don’t want to try to make this more deep than it should be, but it made sense to me and I felt it should be shared.

Another very good point that was raised is that there is such a thing as going too far to the “modesty” extreme; that is, mistaking out-of-date and just plain unflattering clothes to be the most modest. There is a fine line to be drawn, and especially with today’s standards we are not to be drawn into the culture. However, the way that people see us is a reflection on God. I read an article by a young, Christian, married woman about how she dresses to please her husband and to be beautiful in his eyes, and yet she is also careful to be seen as classy and lovely to those around them so as to be a good reflection on him. I feel as though the same can be applied to us in relation to our Bridegroom. If we dress the way we do because of our convictions in Christ, we do not want the result to be a negative reflection on God. This does not mean that what is “in” should be important or even necessarily a factor, but that we should dress in a manner that is flattering enough to show that you are a woman and yet is modest enough to show that you are a lady.

Every day that I spend here at Moody is a reminder of just how passionate I am for issues relating to young women and godly femininity. I love it.

I leave you with Anne Shirley, saying severely: “Clothes are very important!” Who knew?

Expectations, Obedience, and Dating A Lot

We all have, before we ever set foot on campus, ideas about college and what life will be like while there. Well, guess what? Less than 48 hours on campus at Moody and the plans are already changing. My expectations are being blown out of the water in the most wonderful way. As for expectations that I haven’t confronted yet, I’ve received some pretty wise advice from faculty and upperclassmen already.

My Plan #1: I will live in Houghton with my roommate named Lauren.

God’s Version: I will live in Houghton with my roommateS, Lauren and Abby.

Yup, we now have three people in a two-person room, with triple bunk beds to the ceiling and lots of strategically arranged furniture. It was quite a shock at first, but we’re all being quite flexible and we’re getting along very well.

My Plan #2: I will audition for Chorale and Band, make both, and join Chorale.

God’s Version: I will audition for Chorale and Women’s Choir, make both, and join Women’s Choir.

This was clearly a God thing. For several months I have been convinced that Chorale was the place for me. When I got here yesterday, Women’s Choir was not on the agenda. However, there were several little nudges from above that I couldn’t ignore. First, I realized that I wasn’t excited about band at all, and I really wanted to sing... and also that for the first time in my life I did not feel prepared for the flute audition. That right there was a big red flag to me. So I decided that Women’s Choir would be my Chorale backup. Today I auditioned for both. Chorale was first, and everyone was incredibly nice, but they were a little skeptical about why I was trying for choir after a long history of band. Also, apparently my low range has really developed lately, because the Chorale director decided I’m an alto! Then I was stuck waiting for the Women’s Choir audition for over an hour, talking to the upperclassmen there an hearing stories, sitting randomly with a couple of the freshman girls I know and like the best so far, and hearing stories about the choir. The actual audition was even better. The director, who is the most hyper lady I’ve ever seen, was very sweet and wonderful. So when the results came up and my name was on both lists, I crossed off Chorale and initialed Women’s Concert Choir. Later, the upperclassmen who had been at the auditions visited my floor and sang “You Are My Sunshine” to Bekah and me before they gave us health forms and a little bag of candy. It made me smile. Plus, for Spring Break I get to go to British Columbia and the Pacific Northwestern states, and in May I get to go to ISRAEL for tours!!!!!

My Plan #3: I will become best friends with my roommate.

God’s Version: I have no idea yet. Maybe, maybe not.

So far, all three of us are getting along very well! I’m actually very excited about this semester. But at this point, I’ve laid the beginnings of foundations for relationships with dozens of people. How am I to know which will be soul-deep and which will only brush the surface? My prayers for my roommates and I are that we will live together comfortably and considerately, that we will spend this semester with servant attitudes and loving hearts, and that we will learn from each other.

My Plan #4: God will place me in a Practical Christian Ministry that fits my abilities perfectly, that I love, and that will give the feeling that I’m making a big difference.

God’s Version: He put me in an after school program at the Salvation Army.

Maybe I will love it. Maybe it will feel like I’m making an enormous difference. This morning, though, one of my FYT professors made an excellent point. She reminded us that sometimes we are called to serve not through our giftedness but through obedience, not in strength but in weakness. I may feel helpless, but the Spirit through me can accomplish what needs to be done. I may feel useless, but I have to trust that I am in my spot for a reason even if that reason is not revealed to me.

My Plan #5: I will find the perfect guy, know he’s the only one for me, and get married right after graduation.

God’s Version: Obviously, I do not know.

I bet you’re expecting this to be about the possible call to singleness and the point that I’m here at Moody to get my BA not my MRS. I believe both of those, but instead I will be sharing the advice of one of my FYT profs. It is her opinion that God has placed a lot of “highly qualified” individuals on campus together who have the same beliefs and the same calling, and therefore we should “date a lot!” because after all, a date isn’t a ring! While this discussion was pretty humorous, I can see where she’s coming from. But I’m not going to outline all my views on college dating in this post.

So, what I learned today in a nutshell: God’s plans are better- trust Him and be excited. Don’t subdivide the spiritual from learning. Stay away from creepy people on the street. I can be an alto now if I want. Culby 5 guys are cool. This place called Portillo’s has cake shakes, which are exactly what they sound like and really good. I really like it here.

There is special providence...

I watched a sparrow die today.

It’s been a summer of endings. High school. My relationship with my (now ex-)boyfriend. Band. Bible studies with my wonderful youth pastor. Wednesday night drives to Dairy Queen with secret-sharing on the way home. As the summer ebbs, so dwindle the days left with the people here who mean so much to me, living at home, having my own room.

Today was another “last”- the last meeting of my Impact group, composed of all the girls in my grade at church. Our leader of the past two years is a wonderfully wise and kind woman whose home is down the road from mine. Due to our collective busy-ness, this meeting was both the first of the summer and the last of the group’s existence.

I was the first to arrive. Anneliese, the daughter of my leader and hostess, showed me a baby sparrow they had found at the side of the road. The tiny thing’s legs were limp, and its beak opened and closed soundlessly but ate nothing.

“I think it’s dying,” said Lydia. “I had some baby chicks once. One was doing that panting thing and then it died.”

Even so, we gently placed it in a basket on top of a t-shirt of Anne’s. We offered it a worm or, upon discovering that sparrows do not eat worms, some bread crumbs. It merely sat, its chest heaving.

Other girls arrived, and as we seated ourselves in the living room with chunks of watermelon and peanut butter cookies, I forgot about the sparrow.

Two hours passed. I sat pen in hand as we soaked up as many final drops of wisdom as possible.

1. The way to lead a blessed life is to seek God with all your heart. Communicate with Him- read His word, pray. Look for Him in people. (Ps. 119:2)
2. Keep your way pure. Even if you’re going to a Bible school, there will always be temptation even if it’s “just” to gossip, be critical, or worry. (Ps. 119:9)
3. When you make a mistake, admit it and take it to heart, but don’t go on grieving about it. The joy of the Lord is your strength! (Nehemiah 8)
4. Don’t spend your life waiting to live it. Don’t let the future be a stumbling block.
5. God has given you His ear- so call on Him! (Ps. 116:2)
6. A life well-lived is more about who you are than what you do. Maybe I’d like to meet someone who plays the flute really well. But if they’re not a nice person, I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with them, to be friends, to spend time. It’s who they are that counts.

And so on.

Eventually we moved outside. Green grass tickled our feet as we stretched out on beach towels under a tree, just a few feet from the corn field marking the yard’s border. The sun warmed our skin when it found its way through the branches. The sparrow, having caused a minor distraction when we’d traipsed out through the back porch, was now nestled unobtrusively in the grassy center of our circle.

We discussed our fears concerning college, exchanged advice that had been given to us, and wondered aloud about the contents of our hazy, distant futures.

In the midst of our talk, the sparrow stopped breathing.

We grew silent, simply gazing at this small shell of a creature whose life had just ended.

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.” Matthew 10:29

God saw and cared about the death of this small, funny-looking thing with feathers, whose life had been perhaps a few days long, who had been noticed by humans only because Lydia had gone running along a certain road that morning, whose life had no meaning or impact... only it did.

You see, we are always stewing over our stories. God may be timeless and live eternally in the present, but I think that we humans live almost entirely in the future while here on earth. We discuss it and worry about it and try to manipulate it, prepare for it, foresee it. As we get ready to enter adulthood (sort of) and leave for college, it’s nearly all we can think about. And after endless conversations, advice, encouraging verses.... it was the witnessing of this sparrow’s fall that fixed firmly into my head a peace and comfort.

If even something so small is important in God’s eyes, and if something so inconsequential can be an Event... well, what does that say about me?

There is special providence in the fall of a sparrow. There is Someone who is going to make Something out of my life.